Jokes

[Fireball]

Can't find a thread already established for this purpose. If I can be pointed to it, fine, but it gets posted here for the moment.

To all my neighbors,
Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?
Every time I come around the corner, I think it’s the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my drink out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive.
It’s just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

[leerob]

My friends told me that I am horrible at telling jokes so I decided to proof them wrong.
I entered a competition for puns and I sent them 10 of my best puns.
Unfortunately they got back to me and told me that I didn't win.
None of my puns made them laugh at all, not one, no pun in ten did.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Do you know the difference between a cheeseburger and a good roll in the hay?

I'll tell you, over lunch.

[no one]

Two guys are walking down the street. They see a dog licking himself.

First guy: "I wish I could do that." 

Second guy: "Maybe you should pet him first."

[SYZ]

Why do people point to their wrist when they want to know the time? Do I point to my crotch when I want to know where the toilet is?

[no one]

Two guys walk into a bar, and the third one ducks.

[Phaedrus]

Q: What do you call a gay drive by?
A fruit roll up.

[no one]

What do gay horses eat?

Haaaaaaaaay.

[SYZ]

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?


Open toad sandals!

[M.Linoge]

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

[Vivian Darkbloom]

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

I thought it was "clothed".

[Old Man Marsh]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

[brewerb]

A guy walks into a bar with a snapping turtle under his arm.















OK, that's it.















Why are you looking down here?

[SYZ]

I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles...

"Hardback?",   asked the clerk.

"Yes, with cute little legs",   I said.

[Fireball]

Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy.’
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.’ Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn’ he says, and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘O bloody damn!’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.
His house just a few doors down, so he crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No bloody way….’
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?’
Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’
‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

[Marozz]

Q: What do you call a man buried under a pile of leaves?




A: Russell.

[unfogged]

Q: What do you call a man buried under a pile of leaves?

A: Russell.

Show ContentWhat do you call a woman with only one leg?:

Eileen

Show ContentWhat do you call a Japanese woman with only one leg?:

Irene

Show ContentWhat do you call a man with no arms or legs in the water?:

Bob

[JesseB]

My penis.



(Thank you thank you I'm here all week)

[Old Man Marsh]

[Fireball]

I LOVE this video! Those guys are so irreverent to well, anything.

[SYZ]

What do you call a bloke with a rabbit up his arse?

Show ContentSpoiler:

Warren.

[M.Linoge]

[Fireball]

Russian vs American Wrestling Championship
The Russians have a very good strangle hold, nobody EVER gets out of it.
1st fighters are up, coach says no matter what happens don’t let the Russian get you in a strangle hold. After some hard wrestling, bam, the Russian gets him in the strangle hold, fight is over.
2nd fighter up, coach says no matter what happens don’t let the Russian get you in a strangle hold.
Bam, sure enough same thing, Russian got him in the strangle hold.
3rd fighter up, coach reminds him, Whatever you do, Don’t let him get you in the strangle hold.
They’re wrestling hard, bam, Russian gets him in the strangle hold, coach can’t watch anymore,
whistle blows, the fight is over, coach turns and looks up, and they are raising the Americans hand.
Coach says what happened, I saw him get you in the strangle hold?
Fighter says, I looked up and saw a pair of nuts so I bit them, There ain’t a hold in the world you can’t get out of when you bite your own nuts.

[SYZ]

A bloke's at home when he hears a knock at his front door.

He opens the door and finds a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

A few months later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.


The snail says: "What the fuck was that all about?"

[TheGentlemanBastard]

A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and asks, "The usual tonight Father Adams?"