Nice guys aren't attractive?

[Phaedrus]

Everyone has a type. Some people are smart about it, some people aren't.

I get it, you're gay and so these issues "don't concern" you.

Incorrect, but I tend to need more information to better understand why you're in this rut.

For instance, how old are you?
What are relationships typically like for you?

[Dexta]

I don't know where to start, but thanks for asking. BTW I'm not homophobic, homosexuality does no harm, as I repeat frequently to people I meet week in week out, usually of an Islamic bent.

I'm an acid casualty fuck up freak, in and out of mental hospitals and diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. Bullied out of secondary school and paralysed by social anxiety consequently, which my psilocybin "rebirth" relieved. 44 years old...going on 20. Pffffffffff

[Phaedrus]

You're working with a lot on your plate. It's understandable how that alone can be intimidating to anyone. Therefore, your niceness isn't factored in the shadow of that mountainous heap on your plate. It doesn't mean there's no one out there for you. It just means your expectations have to take into consideration how your issues will be a turn off for most girls.

[Dexta]

Plausible. Thanks.

[Dānu]

[Dexta]

I dig it Danu, but the profound thrust of this thread is that biology is a psychopathic bitch...I don't think Rod Stewart really nails that point.

[Dexta]

Never mind.

[mordant]

Everyone has a type. Some people are smart about it, some people aren't.

I get it, you're gay and so these issues "don't concern" you.

No, gays have overall the same relationship challenges as straights. And what he said applies to all "special relationships". It's not a gender or sexuality problem, it's a human condition issue.

My current wife's type was "bad boys" and she had to go through several of them, including marrying one, to figure out that what she was attracted to was at odds with what she needed to be treated the way she wanted to be -- with respect and consideration, loyalty and devotion subject only to reciprocity.

It is probably true that I don't float her boat at a visceral / gut / primal level like her bad boy previous husband (also I'm not a ripped athletic specimen) but at least I never stuck her, or engaged in road range with her and her children in the car, or did shady tax evasions or became addicted to morphine and expected her to steal it for me. At some point in life she realized she couldn't have both of those things at the same time from the same person, and in fact she only wanted one of those sets of characteristics really. The bad boy attraction wasn't rational.

[Rizen]

[OakTree500]

This is one of those things that is really a cross between personal preference and maybe a clash of some social related stuff that is being over thought a bit.

There a guys who are "nice" and then there are "Nice Guys" who basically act nice, but ultimately expect something in return for being nice to women - like "Oh I was nice to you....we should go out now", like that means anything. Its a slippery slope to the whole incel thing really. As comrade cat has already said in this thread, this sort of behaviour tends to lean more into "there is something that needs to be amended about yourself [Personality / hygiene / something else]. Women are not the problem".

As for women as a whole - I mean, I consider myself to be "nice" [never been in a fight and never been arrested] and have been long married [12 years married and 19 years together altogether this year] having met when we were 18, so I probably won't have a lot of input, but I do know via female friends that some girls just like a flirty guy, others like the "bad boy" type, while most women I personally know just like people who can make them laugh and feel at ease. In fact my wife has openly said I make her laugh more than anybody, and she never felt like I was "pretending" when we first met - which I wasn't, I was genuinely interested in hanging out and talking to her about what she likes etc.

Other people like different types of men - A friend of mine really like the "bad boy" types. Its just whatever really. As we've all gotten older, most prefer somebody that isn't going to wreck the house for no reason/cause a scene.

Lots to unpack and way more too it than just "women prefer bad boys" I would suggest.

[brewerb]

Could be fishing in the wrong pond.

[Dexta]

I'm terminally distraught by my empathy for prawns, RE eye stalk ablation. I'll die a nice guy I reckon, I was a borderline psychopathic fucker in my youth...good to go out on the right side of that coin.

[mordant]

Could be fishing in the wrong pond.

Mostly I think guys who (1) see themselves as "nice" and (2) feel women don't appreciate them as a result are engaging in confirmation bias when they should be looking at other things. Women don't just want a guy to be nice to them. They want a lot of other things, too. And how is "nice" defined? That you don't strike them or yell at them? That you are a "good provider" (=not a wastrel)? These are just the absence of negatives.

In my experience you have to figure out a woman's "love language" and become fluent in it, and just to make things interesting, that can change over time, through different phases of life.

Also women are people and therefore they may have their own unrealistic expectations and ask for things that they think will scratch this or that itch and it still falls short and they could misdiagnose that as something lacking in you. Just like guys do to women sometimes, lol.

Western culture, rooted ultimately in romantic fantasy, claims that relationships that are good are easy, they just flow, effortlessly and reliably, from one peak experience to the next, and that just isn't true. Familiarity truly does breed contempt. It's hard work to maintain even a good relationship. That is just life.

[SYZ]

The classic example of someone who's never been a "nice"
guy is felon, draft-dodger, and womaniser DJ Trump.  His
current table-top dancer and rootee only puts up with him
due to the likelihood of his death in a couple of years and
her inheriting millions of bucks overnight.

A "nice" guy?  Jimmy Carter.  YMMV