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Mine is mine
#1
Question 
Mine is mine
So, married (or divorced. Or widowed) folk of AD, I've got a question. Been coming across people asking for advice or just venting about their marital finances and I keep getting amazed at married people who talk about "my" money and "their" money and how they divide it and who pays what and with whose money.

Like the guy, who if he took his wife out for dinner and paid with "his" money, would then ask, "Do you want ice-cream?" and expect her to pay for it with "her" money because he paid for dinner with "his". Or he'd mention he wanted certain takeout but she didn't have her wallet on her so he decided to pass and then drove straight home... so that they can go out again, making sure she did have her wallet this time.

Or this other guy who is making 79% more than his wife (they moved to a more expensive city so that he could take this job, whereas before they were making roughly the same but the woman couldn't get as well paying a job as him in the new city... where their expenses are much higher) and they are separating "their" expenses (rent, utilities) and he's literally paying 79% of "their" expenses.

To me, who grew up with parents who didn't (and still don't) have "mine" or "yours" but the money was all "our" money, this is beyond unfathomable. What is even the point of being married, other than the financial (and other practical) benefits?

So, I guess my question is, how do *you*, married folk of AD do it? Or, if you don't want to discuss your finances (or are not married ;-)), how do most married people you know do it?

[Image: 73d5302b6002ed8743bd158421761e71.gif]
“We drift down time, clutching at straws. But what good's a brick to a drowning man?” 
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#2

Mine is mine
After 51 years I'm lucky I can call my underwear my own.... and she even buys that for me.

Nope.  It's all "our" money.
Robert G. Ingersoll : “No man with a sense of humor ever founded a religion.”
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#3

Mine is mine
It's been "our" money from the beginning. My eldest son is married, and keeps separate from his wife's finances, because she spends every dime she can lay her hands on, and would burn through all of his too, given a chance. A lesson he quickly learned early in their marriage.
If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
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#4

Mine is mine
Well, it was all "our" money.   Dunno   Until, it wasn't.  What happened between those two sentences:  divorce.  

He tried to get a portion of "my" money AND even what I bought for "us" with money I had saved up since I was 12.  This was "my" money since, it was from "my" savings - to which he never contributed.

My lesson learned from marriage to a psychopath person with insecure & ulterior motives ...
Marriage is not to be entered into without detailed analysis.  It is a legal, contractual document, which should contain a prenuptial agreement.  
 
Marriage is very much like war. Never get into one unless you have a specifically detailed plan for getting out of it.  

I'm not a reliable source on this subject. I no longer trust anyone. Dodgy
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A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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#5

Mine is mine
I'm told; anything she makes, is hers, anything I make, is also hers.
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#6

Mine is mine
My parents - it was all dad's money. He provided household money to mom, and when any of us wanted clothes or other extras, we had to submit a priced list of items and he would approve it. He always did approve it, but there was a ritual about it. Mom did have a slush fund, and kids got paid for good grades and that was ours to do with as we pleased.

My first marriage, we were very young and dirt poor, and whoever had money, would buy stuff for us. 

My second marriage, I was the main bread winner and deposited plenty of money for everything in a communal account every month. The rest was mine, and he had is entire salary, and later, his pension as his money. We both signed on all accounts though, in case one of us were to die. 

Both were good partnerships until death did us part.
[Image: color%5D%5Bcolor=#333333%5D%5Bsize=small%5D%5Bfont=T...ans-Serif%5D]
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#7

Mine is mine
We lived together for 10 years before marriage with semi-separate accounts. Marriage plus mortgage plus joint accounts happened pretty much all at once. That was 25 years ago.
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#8

Mine is mine
I've been married for more than 25 years. We lived together for about a year and a half before getting married and at that point had separate bank accounts. We split expenses down the middle from the very beginning of dating. I was used to handling my own finances, and my husband was getting used to handling his after his divorce. 

We didn't amalgamate our bank accounts until a couple of years after we'd married (during which time we'd had a child and bought a house), and at that point it was more because my husband's bank had recently been acquired and he started getting charged a lot in fees. Having our assets in a single bank account turned out to be way less hassle. 

Whose money is it? Ours, the family's. We are lucky enough to be able to cover most expenses for stuff like food, clothing, entertainment, etc., without having to think too much about the big bank account, although in response to various pandemic and other budget measures we've cut some things. Any big expenditures we tend to talk through.
god, ugh
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#9

Mine is mine
Now I am actively working to make our money more accessible for us, to simplify and streamline it should I check out soon. I have seen some horrible messes left behind.
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#10

Mine is mine
It's "our" money.  

This reminds me.  Ages ago wives would be given "pin" money by their husbands as part of the household expenses.  And you might ask, "What is pin money?".  Well, I'll tell you.   (Yeah, I know.....you're doing this right now ------->    Facepalm )

During Medieval and Elizabeth the First's era many of those garments were held together with pins.  Not safty pins...straight pins.  Sometimes in the portraits of that era you can see pins holding a bodice in place.   Every women had to have pins for clothing, even mens clothing.  The pinafore was held up by pins near the shoulder.  Lace collars were pinned into place.  So pin money became something ubiquitious to every household.  Queen Elizabeth's herself used around 10,000 pins each year to keep all her shit together.  

Poor children could get a jig and make pins for a little extra household money and sell it in the market to wives who brought their pin money provided from their husbands.     Here's kinda what the pins looked like but these are newly made by some nut who is really into authentic costume reinactments.

[Image: il_340x270.3203203948_gazi.jpg]   


Anyway, there you have it.  The origin of pin money.  

[Image: il_340x270.3150952944_m8ml.jpg]
                                                         T4618
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#11

Mine is mine
I view marriage as much a business partnership ship as a family partnership . If the money part isn't mutually agreed upon it all will go downhill  . It all belongs to the family and is allocated accordingly .
 All I know is that I know nothing
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#12

Mine is mine
The six years my son's mom and I lived together, we had a joint checking account for expenses, and joint savings account for longer-term goals, and then each of us also kept some of our individual incomes for our own outlays. I didn't think it was fair for her to be paying for, say, a piece of music gear I coveted, and I sure as hell didn't want to be paying for her goddamned shoes, which she bought at a rate of two or three pair a months at times.
Freedom isn't free.
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#13

Mine is mine
If you want her to dance to your music Girl_yes2 a lady's got to have shoes.  

S'all I'm sayin'. Winking
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#14

Mine is mine
(09-12-2021, 09:28 PM)Kim Wrote: If you want her to dance to your music   Girl_yes2   a lady's got to have shoes.  

S'all I'm sayin'.   Winking

Oh, she was not buying dancing shoes, bless her heart. But at fifty bucks a pair, it was scary all the same.

She had the 8' closet in our master. I quit counting pairs and starting measuring them in depth. About 30" tall, by two foot by eight foot.

I won't lie, some looked fantastic hooked over my shoulders.
Freedom isn't free.
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#15

Mine is mine
Most times I'm glad I was never married. What is mine is mine and no complications. Plus I get up when I want, dine when I want, and go to bed when I want. Watch what TV I want. And no discussions about church. No "you know what you did". No negotiations involved about anything.

Plus, there are enough of us on the planet; I never felt a need to make any more. I have siblings who are dedicated to spreading our genes around sufficiently. (7 neices and nephews) No need for me to help.

LOL!
I am tying notes to balloons and tumble-weeds and sending them out to the world. Where they are found, I do not know...
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#16

Mine is mine
(09-12-2021, 05:19 PM)Kim Wrote: I'm not a reliable source on this subject.  I no longer trust anyone.   Dodgy

[Image: 613d1068bd36e9d44fbae656d35aae16.gif]

Girl_yes2

Is a good plan, always (though my aunt has just apparently told the same to my father - they're in the middle of settling some property stuff (she gets one, my father another and she wanted him to transfer the one she's getting first because apparently "she trusts no one" and she's the same person who for several years after my grandmother died would talk poison about my parents to my kid/early teen self and definitely has a finger in making me the guilt-ridden, people-pleasing mess I am right now, but let's not go there, shall we Dodgy Fucking families! I AM gonna surround myself with cats and hedgehogs and people can go SCREW themselves).

Aaaaanyway... I can't imagine what being involved with someone like this does to one. I've only had a relatively short, neighbourly run-in  with someone (that quasi-pedophile in Rio) who certainly did have some sort of pathology (or pathologies) (funny thing is, he would tell me about at least two "psychopaths" he'd met in his life... it's a bit like with assholes - if EVERYONE around you is an asshole (or a psychopath), usually the guilty party is you, not them), but sharing one's life and so much of oneself with something so messed up... I can't imagine the sense of betrayal and "was it all a lie?" feeling.

Then again, life knocks us all down, one way or another, I guess. Glad you're free now Hug
“We drift down time, clutching at straws. But what good's a brick to a drowning man?” 
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#17

Mine is mine
(09-12-2021, 04:17 PM)Vera Wrote: So, married (or divorced. Or widowed) folk of AD, I've got a question. Been coming across people asking for advice or just venting about their marital finances and I keep getting amazed at married people who talk about "my" money and "their" money and how they divide it and who pays what and with whose money.
...
So, I guess my question is, how do *you*, married folk of AD do it? Or, if you don't want to discuss your finances (or are not married ;-)), how do most married people you know do it?

My wife got a liberal arts degree from an ivy league university, but only worked about a year and a half of her life.

On the other hand, I dropped out of two colleges, got technical training, and lucked into three good jobs during my 39-year career.  The money we have from my Social Security, pension, IRA, and other savings is enough for both of us to live comfortably without arguing about money, especially since we had no children and live relatively simply.

So we never discuss whose money it is.
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#18

Mine is mine
@Dom That's it exactly - it's supposed to be a partnership, you kinda become one whole. Not as one person but one unit, a team that's dealing with the world together, as a... well, team. Not counting who's done what and who's contributed how much.

My mum used to have this coworker who'd buy separate groceries from her husband and they'd literally have arguments about "you touched my sausage or cheese". I was flabbergasted then too.

Like, in the beginning of their marriage, my mum didn't work, taking care of me and my sister, till I was four. Then later on in their marriage, *she* was making more money (at one point *considerably* more) and my dad would do a lot of the chores around the house, incl. cooking and stuff. It's how it's supposed to be.

If you're going to be sharing your life with someone (which doesn't have to be a romantic rship but pretty much always is), you have to be in it together... and that extends WAAAAY beyond your hormones and funny bits...

Then again, what do I know, I'm not the marrying type, hell, I'm not even the relationshipping type

[Image: giphy.gif?cid=790b7611ded434b3548c214082...y.gif&ct=g]
“We drift down time, clutching at straws. But what good's a brick to a drowning man?” 
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#19

Mine is mine
(09-14-2021, 05:16 PM)Vera Wrote: @Dom That's it exactly - it's supposed to be a partnership, you kinda become one whole. Not as one person but one unit, a team that's dealing with the world together, as a... well, team. Not counting who's done what and who's contributed how much.

My mum used to have this coworker who'd buy separate groceries from her husband and they'd literally have arguments about "you touched my sausage or cheese". I was flabbergasted then too.

Like, in the beginning of their marriage, my mum didn't work, taking care of me and my sister, till I was four. Then later on in their marriage, *she* was making more money (at one point *considerably* more) and my dad would do a lot of the chores around the house, incl. cooking and stuff. It's how it's supposed to be.

If you're going to be sharing your life with someone (which doesn't have to be a romantic rship but pretty much always is), you have to be in it together... and that extends WAAAAY beyond your hormones and funny bits...

Then again, what do I know, I'm not the marrying type, hell, I'm not even the relationshipping type

[Image: giphy.gif?cid=790b7611ded434b3548c214082...y.gif&ct=g]

That dude better scram - when a Lama raises it's head at you, it is warning you off. "If you persist, I'll spit. If that doesn't work, I'll drum your skull with pointy toes". Luckily the spitting works for those who don't understand the animal they are approaching. Thankfully, since no one wants a punctured skull. Here the Llama expects a treat in the hand and there is none. Don't try to fool with a Llama.

Yes, it's a partnership in life, and each supports the other in their endeavors, whatever they may be. It's the unconditional support that makes things work. Of course, it takes two people who are both able and willing to support even things they don't agree with or that don't matter to them personally.
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#20

Mine is mine
(09-14-2021, 07:02 PM)Dom Wrote: "If you persist, I'll spit. If that doesn't work, I'll drum your skull with pointy toes".

Oooh, sounds like something I might wanna try next time some creepo accosts me on my daily bike ride Dodgy

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#21

Mine is mine
(09-14-2021, 07:02 PM)Dom Wrote:
(09-14-2021, 05:16 PM)Vera Wrote: @Dom That's it exactly - it's supposed to be a partnership, you kinda become one whole. Not as one person but one unit, a team that's dealing with the world together, as a... well, team. Not counting who's done what and who's contributed how much.

My mum used to have this coworker who'd buy separate groceries from her husband and they'd literally have arguments about "you touched my sausage or cheese". I was flabbergasted then too.

Like, in the beginning of their marriage, my mum didn't work, taking care of me and my sister, till I was four. Then later on in their marriage, *she* was making more money (at one point *considerably* more) and my dad would do a lot of the chores around the house, incl. cooking and stuff. It's how it's supposed to be.

If you're going to be sharing your life with someone (which doesn't have to be a romantic rship but pretty much always is), you have to be in it together... and that extends WAAAAY beyond your hormones and funny bits...

Then again, what do I know, I'm not the marrying type, hell, I'm not even the relationshipping type

[Image: giphy.gif?cid=790b7611ded434b3548c214082...y.gif&ct=g]

That dude better scram - when a Lama raises it's head at you, it is warning you off. "If you persist, I'll spit. If that doesn't work, I'll drum your skull with pointy toes". Luckily the spitting works for those who don't understand the animal they are approaching. Thankfully, since no one wants a punctured skull. Here the Llama expects a treat in the hand and there is none. Don't try to fool with a Llama.

Yes, it's a partnership in life, and each supports the other in their endeavors, whatever they may be. It's the unconditional support that makes things work. Of course, it takes two people who are both able and willing to support even things they don't agree with or that don't matter to them personally.

Every marriage and relationship is different and people should do what ever works for them.  For our marriage we found that it's easier to throw everything in one pot and share the money.  Both of us are not big spenders so it works out fine. 

I prefer Alpaca.   They have the cute factor.  Llamas are sort of.......what's the word..............oh!.... ugly.  That's the word.  They look like the camel's more upscale cousin.    

Alpaca look like sheep that had their necks and legs pulled out like a bar of taffy but they're still cute.  

[Image: 6accf32dcdd7b074d490feb8d8a86c36.jpg]

Until they get shorn and then they look utterly ridiculous.    LOLOLOL! 

[Image: 0cJ5veQyrvO3vNUkiN5QRe04qDfIpqJTAAmzyomd...04130cb63b]
                                                         T4618
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#22

Mine is mine
(09-15-2021, 03:46 PM)Dancefortwo Wrote: [Image: 0cJ5veQyrvO3vNUkiN5QRe04qDfIpqJTAAmzyomd...04130cb63b]

Ooh - I would love to have an alpaca. Heart

I bet that one is named, Spot. Shy
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