Thread Review (Newest First) |
Posted by Phaedrus - 07-27-2021, 09:24 AM |
(07-27-2021, 04:31 AM)c172 Wrote: No Sarasota/Venice?
Nope, it didn't pan out. Moving seems to be too much trouble, honestly.
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Posted by c172 - 07-27-2021, 04:31 AM |
No Sarasota/Venice?
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Posted by Phaedrus - 07-27-2021, 03:10 AM |
(07-26-2021, 05:18 PM)no one Wrote: So, you're staying in Orlando?
Are you still assisting the old fogies, or are you headed to the medical treatment side?
I never lived in Orlando. I live in Clearwater.
And I am remaining a CNA at a LTF.
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Posted by no one - 07-26-2021, 05:18 PM |
So, you're staying in Orlando?
Are you still assisting the old fogies, or are you headed to the medical treatment side?
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Posted by Phaedrus - 07-26-2021, 05:01 PM |
Having been out of work for the last two months, I am finally returning to the workforce.
I had an interview last week, and this morning I received a call to inform me that I have orientation tomorrow.
I am elated, because I am tired of sitting on my keister.
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Posted by Phaedrus - 07-02-2021, 04:37 AM |
I am reticent to use the word perfect, for it is often a representation of an unattainable fantasy. Therefore, when mentioning one's state of comfort in the world, it is more realistic referring to one's state of content as ever shifting. There is no stability in any given situation regarding one's life and family. There is always something dark to be gleaned from that which we cover with a veneer of false promotion.
Happiness is fleeting, disquiet is inevitable.
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Posted by Phaedrus - 07-01-2021, 01:00 AM |
Been away for such a while that I forgot about this thread. hehe
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Posted by Phaedrus - 03-01-2021, 04:21 PM |
I wish I could die in my sleep today so that I don't have to deal with reality any more.
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Posted by Phaedrus - 02-26-2021, 01:52 PM |
Fifty-five to one-hundred and fifty-one words.
Now it's time to lay down and get ready to sleep.
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Posted by Phaedrus - 02-26-2021, 12:39 PM |
My boyfriend must think the trash will grow legs and walk itself down to the dumpster.
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Posted by Phaedrus - 02-26-2021, 11:30 AM |
From thirty to fifty-five words with the forum contest piece. Taking my time with this, because I want it to be just right. Generally, I can write about five hundred words a night, when I have a muse lending its help to me, but with this piece I really just want to take it slowly.
So much conscientious editing going on.
After major focus on editing, 55 words went to 57 words.
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Posted by TheGentlemanBastard - 02-24-2021, 09:39 PM |
(02-24-2021, 01:01 AM)SYZ Wrote: Ahhh...
This morning's news made my day. "Elon Musk loses $19 billion after bitcoin and Tesla shares plunge".
But, did he even notice? That may be a metric shit-ton of money to you and me, but isn't it just a rounding error to him?
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Posted by SYZ - 02-24-2021, 07:49 PM |
Hey Phaedrus...
I really like the effort you're obviously putting into your writing, and I also appreciate that
you're posting it here for us to have a look-see. I've never published anything in my life,
and I couldn't write decent fiction if you paid me 10 dollars a word, but I have been a voracious
reader for six decades. Please don't think I'm just trying to be being picky.
A couple of things you need to avoid are the overuse of the personal pronoun, and also adding
"padding" that doesn't move the story along EGs:
"I reached into my pocket with my left hand and pulled out my phone. It was cracked, broken, and pushing the side button did nothing to activate it. Apparently, I had destroyed it when I fell down."
How about this...
"Reaching into my pocket for my phone, I found it was dead, apparently destroyed by my fall."
"The last person to make an appearance was the androgynous individual from chemistry class. I had no name to put to the person, and I still could not discern a gender. As I had said to myself before, it did not matter."
Maybe...
"Last in the doorway was the chemistry class oddity, who, according to Florence, was named Easton."
The other thing is that these kids seem all too calm and rational—considering that nearly everybody
in their school's just been vapourised.
"Had gravity been free to do what it does best, the ashes would be spread over the floor instead of
in neat little mounds." and "There's definitely something not right with the ashy mounds. But what's
right about everyone suddenly becoming dust?"
Where's the terrified screaming, their horrified responses, the sheer panic, the tears, the desperation
and utter chaos? These kids are talking about this so dispassionately—almost as though they're discussing
a science experiment back in that chemistry classroom. In this horrendous, potentially life threatening
scenario are they really gonna be standing around, calmly discussing the geometry of the ashy cones?
And this...
"I did not see a boy there in Easton, but one's gender was not a pressing issue. At any given time, actually, but especially not when the world was on the verge of ending or had already ended."
Possibly unnecessary as it stands. Why even talk about Easton's confusing gender—a third time? And how do
you—as the protagonist—surmise that the world was about to end, or had ended? To me, neither were obvious.
I hope this is helpful mate.
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Posted by Phaedrus - 02-24-2021, 03:19 PM |
Chapter two done. Let me know what you think.
The second half:
Show ContentSpoiler:
I reached into my pocket with my left hand and pulled out my phone. It was cracked, broken, and pushing the side button did nothing to activate it. Apparently, I had destroyed it when I fell down.
"Maybe we should check the library's computer lab."
I looked up and she continued, "None of us has a cell phone, and yours isn't working. If we're going to check online to see how far-spread this is, the library computers are the best bet."
"You don't have a cell phone?" I asked.
She placed a hand on her hip and said, "Even my parents don't have cell phones, so it makes sense that I don't have one either."
"Who you talking to?" voiced someone from the hallway.
"It's Moon," said Florence. "He's not dead."
"No way," said another voice from the hallway.
The first person to appear in the doorway was a girl I recognized as the sophomore hothead known for the flares of red used to decorate her dark hair. Her name was Su. I remembered her having said without the e when we first met.
"We found no one else," she said as she entered the room.
The next person to appear in the doorway was the most popular girl in school. It was hard to believe that Misty, the selfie queen, did not have a cell phone. It was harder to believe that she had trekked through the school instead of staying put as Florence had.
She said nothing as she entered the room.
The last person to make an appearance was the androgynous individual from chemistry class. I had no name to put to the person, and I still could not discern a gender. As I had said to myself before, it did not matter.
Looking at the piles of ash, s/he said, "These mounds are a little too perfect, don't you think?"
The observation was an accurate one. The perfectly conical shape of each mound indicated that there had been some sort of field in place around each individual as the vaporization process occurred.
"Everyone in the world was probably annihilated, and that's what concerns you?" said Misty.
"Sorry, I don't know your name," I said as I got the attention of the androgynous individual. "But you're right. Had gravity been free to do what it does best, the ashes would be spread over the floor instead of in neat little mounds."
"So," said Florence as she seemed transfixed by the state of the floor. "There's definitely something not right with the ashy mounds. But what's right about everyone suddenly becoming dust?
"Also", she said as she looked over at me and pointed a thumb at the androgynous individual. "That's Easton. He's new in town."
I did not see a boy there in Easton, but one's gender was not a pressing issue. At any given time, actually, but especially not when the world was on the verge of ending or had already ended.
And now it's time for bed.
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Posted by Phaedrus - 02-24-2021, 02:08 PM |
When you read a good crime book or watch a truly diabolical crime show, you think to yourself, "Wow, what kind of mind could create this?"
I think the same thing. I don't consider myself innocent by an standard, but I could never create a truly evil character. You know the character you want to hate so much. I've tried, trust me, but there's something in me that prevents it. I can write what I write, but I cannot write evil.
Okay, with that out of the way, let me settle down and attempt to finish chapter two before I go to sleep.
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Posted by SYZ - 02-24-2021, 01:01 AM |
Ahhh...
This morning's news made my day. "Elon Musk loses $19 billion after bitcoin and Tesla shares plunge".
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Posted by Dancefortwo - 02-23-2021, 03:52 PM |
(02-23-2021, 12:54 PM)Phaedrus Wrote: Tried, but I couldn't find anything to edit in chapter one. Therefore, I wrote half of chapter two last night.
Show ContentSpoiler:
I opened my eyes to an anthill. After blinking, more anthills came into focus beyond the one closest to my face.
Where was I? Moving my eyeballs around to focus on more of the area, it became clear that I was in a classroom. But what were anthills doing in a classroom?
Was I dreaming?
A pair of sneakers appeared in my field of vision. Off-brand, white, they could have been worn by anyone. Blue jeans, what teenager did not wear them?
A face came into view while hair tumbled down toward the floor. The dirty blond hair was long and almost swept the floor with ends that desperately needed to be trimmed. Green eyes stared back at me from a face that I recognized as belonging to a freshman named Florence.
"Taking a nap while the world ends? Not a bad idea."
I furrowed my brow in confusion and then asked, "What are you talking about?"
Her head arced through the air and my gaze followed as she straightened to her full height. With a snap of her head she whipped her long hair behind her. Then she pointed to the floor.
"Surely, you didn't miss what was right in front of your face when you finally opened your eyes. You might be thinking its an anthill. I probably would have thought the same thing had I not seen what happened. Each pile is the ashy remains of a person."
What? I thought as I sat up and scrambled away from the pile as though close proximity to it was somehow detrimental to me. My back made contact with an immovable barrier. I looked from one pile to the next before returning my attention to Florence.
"How?"
She shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. "I have no idea. They didn't burst into flames. One moment they were whole, and the next they disintegrated into piles of ash."
Then I remembered not feeling too well, as though I was dying, before I managed to fall to the floor of a classroom. That classroom?
I blinked and asked, "How long was I out?"
"A couple of hours. To be honest, we thought you were dead. You had no pulse."
No pulse? Impossible. Maybe it had merely been imperceptible for a short period of time.
We? "Where are the others?"
"Searching the school. So far it looks like only five of us survived." She waved her hands at the piles on the floor. "Whatever this is."
I solemnly nodded as I attempted to process what the others had already had some time to accept. My gaze made its way toward the windows, inky blackness pressed up against the glass, and I wondered how the town had fared.
"We haven't ventured outside the school yet, but it does look like the town was affected too," she provided without me having to ask.
My hand having found its way to my face of its own volition was taken hold by gravity and landed on my thigh. I felt the outline of my cell phone in my front pocket.
Social media, I thought. Surely, if the unexplainable event had reached beyond the valley, it would have been mentioned online.
I had planned on fluctuating between first and third person from one chapter to the another, but I decided to just keep it first person in its entirety. Third person perspective really confuses me anyway.
I don't know if you're familiar with the American writer, Damon Runyon, who came out of the Depression era with all sorts of oddball New York City street characters in his stories, but he almost always wrote in present tense and I'm pretty sure many of his stories are first person, present tense. It was a strange way of writing. Guys and Dolls is a musical based on one of his short stories. His stories are out of fashion these days because some of them have racist connotation. One Black character is called Stove Lid but then he calls another, rather ugly person Harry the Horse so in Runyan's world everyone had equal billing.
A British humorist E. C. Bentley wrote.
Quote:‘In all the Runyon stories, as published in America, I have found only one single instance of a verb in the past tense.
Whenever I think about writing in different tenses I think about Damon Runyon.
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Posted by GenesisNemesis - 02-23-2021, 03:19 PM |
Over the years I've been becoming more and more laid back, in terms of not caring much about what my personal accomplishments might be. I still care about politics though of course and I still enjoy learning about various subjects. It's just less to do with ego "look how great I am!", and more to do with plain curiosity. It probably has to do with having had a few reminders of the fragility or finality of life, so I no longer care about certain things as much anymore. Some people might argue that should make me more concerned about "productivity", but I think each person should approach this in their own way and not be pressured by others towards "productivity". It's also hard enough just to be human or to accept all of the terrible things human beings are capable of, so I don't blame anyone for "not being productive". People should be given as much time as they need to work things out.
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Posted by Phaedrus - 02-23-2021, 12:54 PM |
Tried, but I couldn't find anything to edit in chapter one. Therefore, I wrote half of chapter two last night.
Show ContentSpoiler:
I opened my eyes to an anthill. After blinking, more anthills came into focus beyond the one closest to my face.
Where was I? Moving my eyeballs around to focus on more of the area, it became clear that I was in a classroom. But what were anthills doing in a classroom?
Was I dreaming?
A pair of sneakers appeared in my field of vision. Off-brand, white, they could have been worn by anyone. Blue jeans, what teenager did not wear them?
A face came into view while hair tumbled down toward the floor. The dirty blond hair was long and almost swept the floor with ends that desperately needed to be trimmed. Green eyes stared back at me from a face that I recognized as belonging to a freshman named Florence.
"Taking a nap while the world ends? Not a bad idea."
I furrowed my brow in confusion and then asked, "What are you talking about?"
Her head arced through the air and my gaze followed as she straightened to her full height. With a snap of her head she whipped her long hair behind her. Then she pointed to the floor.
"Surely, you didn't miss what was right in front of your face when you finally opened your eyes. You might be thinking its an anthill. I probably would have thought the same thing had I not seen what happened. Each pile is the ashy remains of a person."
What? I thought as I sat up and scrambled away from the pile as though close proximity to it was somehow detrimental to me. My back made contact with an immovable barrier. I looked from one pile to the next before returning my attention to Florence.
"How?"
She shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. "I have no idea. They didn't burst into flames. One moment they were whole, and the next they disintegrated into piles of ash."
Then I remembered not feeling too well, as though I was dying, before I managed to fall to the floor of a classroom. That classroom?
I blinked and asked, "How long was I out?"
"A couple of hours. To be honest, we thought you were dead. You had no pulse."
No pulse? Impossible. Maybe it had merely been imperceptible for a short period of time.
We? "Where are the others?"
"Searching the school. So far it looks like only five of us survived." She waved her hands at the piles on the floor. "Whatever this is."
I solemnly nodded as I attempted to process what the others had already had some time to accept. My gaze made its way toward the windows, inky blackness pressed up against the glass, and I wondered how the town had fared.
"We haven't ventured outside the school yet, but it does look like the town was affected too," she provided without me having to ask.
My hand having found its way to my face of its own volition was taken hold by gravity and landed on my thigh. I felt the outline of my cell phone in my front pocket.
Social media, I thought. Surely, if the unexplainable event had reached beyond the valley, it would have been mentioned online.
I had planned on fluctuating between first and third person from one chapter to the another, but I decided to just keep it first person in its entirety. Third person perspective really confuses me anyway.
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Posted by Phaedrus - 02-22-2021, 12:35 PM |
Had already written chapter two, but then I deleted it. I'm thinking of doing some editing on chapter one before I continue with chapter two.
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Posted by SYZ - 02-21-2021, 05:36 PM |
(02-21-2021, 05:38 AM)Phaedrus Wrote: Ordered a new necklace. Should be getting it soon.
Nice! Celtic spiral?
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Posted by Phaedrus - 02-21-2021, 05:38 AM |
Ordered a new necklace. Should be getting it soon.
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Posted by SYZ - 02-20-2021, 04:29 PM |
(02-19-2021, 12:52 PM)Phaedrus Wrote: Chapter One complete...
...Uncertain of a book title for now, except that after the main title I might add The Moon Chronicles. *shrugs* We'll see.
I like this. I actually like it more than your earlier sci-fi piece here.
This is a particularly evocative scene-setter: "October Valley, aptly named due
to the breathtaking beauty of the area during the autumn months. That season
had passed, along with the majesty of the winter snows, and the town was laid
bare in its transitional ugliness."
That last phrase is perfect.
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Posted by Dancefortwo - 02-19-2021, 08:06 PM |
So three or four days ago I went for a walk in the snow around the neighborhood. The snow was over a foot deep in some areas and it was very difficult to tell if I was on the sidewalk or the grassy strip between the road and the sidewalk or even if I was walking on the road itself. There were lots of snowdrifts.
So I'm walking along and took a step and sank almost four feet into the snow into a big hole. I brused the inside of my leg from the knee down. I got myself out of the hole in the snow but there was so much snow I couldn't tell why there was such a drop in the ground. The snow has since melted and I went back to find where I had fallen through. Turns out it was a Verizon fiber optics juncture and it looked like over a dozen different wires were connected to other wires. Our electricity didn't go out during the storm because so many of our electrical wiring is underground. The green plastic Verizon protective lid had cracked and when I stepped on it I fell right through. I don't know how dangerous this was or whether I might have fried myself to death but I'm going to phone Verizon and tell them about it. Seems very dangerous to me.
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Posted by Phaedrus - 02-19-2021, 12:52 PM |
Chapter One complete:
Show ContentSpoiler:
"There is a reason there are four main elements. Who can name them?
Yes, you in the back. Sorry, I'm not familiar with your names yet."
"Earth, Air, Fire, and Water."
The mention of the elements drew my attention. I looked up from the doodling I had been particularly invested in more than chemistry, and I looked over my shoulder toward the individual at the back of the classroom.
I did not recognize him. He could have been a new student. Whoever he was, androgyny was the most appropriate word to describe his physical appearance. In fact, the longer I stared the more uncertain I became of his or her gender. Not that it mattered.
"Wrong class," said the teacher. "In fact, the only class I can think of where that answer would belong is creative writing."
Several of the students laughed. I narrowed my eyes and glared at the teacher. Where did she get off retorting in that way?
"Anyone else?" she asked as she looked around the room.
I raised my hand.
"Yes," she said as she turned her attention toward me.
"Nitrogen, an important soil nutrient. Therefore, Earth. Oxygen, breathable air. Therefore, Air. Hydrogen, hydro is Greek for water. Therefore, Water. Carbon, the black soot left over after a fire. Therefore, Fire."
"Okay," she said with a serious tone as she looked away from me. "The next person to not take this seriously will be reported to the principal's office.
"I'm beginning to think none of you read the chapters you were assigned for homework."
"Just because you're uncomfortable with what the answer represents doesn't mean the answer is incorrect," I said.
"One more peep from you, young man," she said with a touch of anger evident in the tone of her voice.
Sometimes, I could be stubborn. I also knew which battles were worth fighting, and I had no intention of becoming verbally combative with the teacher.
"Yeah, this isn't Hogwarts, freak," said someone from the side.
Laughter from others in the class followed.
The teacher slammed her hand down on the desk, the loud crack of flesh meeting wood reverberated through the room to silence the laughter, and she pointed a finger from her free hand at the recent disruptor.
"I warned you," she said as she moved her hand in an arc to point at the door. "Get yourself to the principal's office."
I turned my head and followed the angle of the teacher's stare until I was looking at Jacob. My childhood best friend turned tormentor, he stared back at the teacher with an expression of disbelief on his face. He shook his head with incredulity, and during the process he must have caught sight of me watching him. His eyes met mine momentarily before he stood up in surrender and headed for the door.
"You'll pay for this, Moon," he whispered when he passed in front of me.
"Anyone else care to join him, by all means speak up now," said the teacher as she attempted to soothe her sore hand by rubbing it against the side of her thigh.
"Alright, then, back to today's lesson. The answer is Carbon, Oxygen, Hydrogen, and Nitrogen. The reason these four periodic elements are of particular importance is because they make up approximately ninety-six percent of the human body."
I tuned out the lecture and returned to doodling in my notebook. As far as the teacher was concerned, I was taking notes. It was not as though I had to listen to her. I always read the assignments and teachers feared deviating from the textbook. Besides, I had a great memory.
The end of class was signaled by a bell. I gathered up my things as other students were leaving, having been more prepared than me to make a quick exit.
The teacher did not ask to see me to offer an apology, which was no surprise to me. I eyed her from my peripheral, but she seemed entirely unconcerned with me. Her social idiosyncrasies were of no interest to me since my main concern was to get out of that town as quickly as I possibly could.
In the hallway, I stopped by the window and stared down at the town. October Valley, aptly named due to the breathtaking beauty of the area during the autumn months. That season had passed, along with the majesty of the winter snows, and the town was laid bare in its transitional ugliness.
The area was on the cusp of spring. The ground was slush from the melting snows, the tree limbs were skeletal appendages reaching for a gray sky, and the buildings seemed lost amidst a Gothic ambiance.
It was the most depressing time of the year, which probably explained the chemistry teacher's behavior. Especially if she suffered from seasonal affective disorder.
Turning away from the window, I continued down the hallway toward the stairwell. I was alone as I took the stairs down. The tardy bell rang before I reached the first floor, but I was not concerned about being late to class.
A ringing began in my ears as I entered the empty hallway. I ignored it, figuring it was due to the silence after listening to my footfalls echo in the stairwell. However, as I walked down the hallway I noticed that my breathing became increasingly labored.
I knew my own body, I had not been sick a day in my life, and something did not quite seem right with me. When my joints began to ache and my limbs became heavy with sudden fatigue, I knew for certain that something was very wrong with me.
My vision blurred and I stumbled against a door. My heartbeat quickened, I began to panic, and a frightening darkness began to fall before my eyes as though I was swiftly being stricken blind.
I fumbled with the doorknob once I found it, and I used the last of my strength to get the door open. My voice was screaming in my mind, yet I doubted that I was verbally communicating aloud in any meaningful way.
As the door swung open, my body fell inward and made contact with the floor. I felt nothing as the darkness enveloped my consciousness.
Uncertain of a book title for now, except that after the main title I might add The Moon Chronicles. *shrugs* We'll see.
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